February is my least favorite time of year. It is filled with reminders from the 3rd - 10th of people I've lost, marriages that have crumbled and dreams shattered. Sounds pretty depressing, huh? Yeah, it usually is.
Every year I dread it... especially the 6th and I try my hardest to think of happy memories instead of sad ones and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. God has always revealed Himself to me during this time in new ways... and I am comforted again. This year however, He has restored my Joy and has made it virtually impossible to focus on anything but HIM and HIS love for us. It has been incredible... so let me start from the beginning.
February 1st. I had a bad dream and when I woke up that morning, not only was I still replaying the scenes from the dream in my mind I was also hit with the realization that February had once again found it's way back to me. My first thought was a selfish, self pity one of "if this is the way this month is starting out, it is going to be one of the worst few weeks yet." Thankfully, the Lord has blessed me with an incredible husband who can read me in a second. Shannon just looked at me and told me he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. All without me even saying good morning. That was God's comfort. Then, Shannon began talking to the baby through my belly and out of nowhere our son reacted by moving... so much so it felt as if he were dancing inside. The image of a fish feeding frenzy is the best way I can think to describe the feeling. Our son followed his Dad's voice and reacted to it as if he was trying to break out of my stomach and get to him. It was one of the most incredible experiences. Then, Shannon, for the first time felt the baby kick/move! The look on his face is one that I will never forget. It was priceless and for the first time my husband got to feel the movement of life of his son. That was God's love.
The rest of the week had many ups and downs. I got to see three of my precious nieces faces on skype. Hear them laugh. See them smile. It never gets old to me. All of this reminded me that God continues to bless me every day in so many ways.
February 6th. Ugh. How I dread this day every year. I started it off at midnight (the fight was still on tv, so I still had people at my house) with one of the quotes I love. The I turned my mind to something positive and texted one of my closest friends because it was her 40th birthday! So, I tried to focus on that a little. I got on facebook and stalked some of my friends that I knew would be having a difficult time with this day as well. Prayed for them and around 2am, finally fell asleep. When I woke up, I was still feeling pretty bad (from a head cold I have had) and the last thing I wanted to do was get up. So, I just stayed in bed and rested my hand on my stomach as I talked with God. Then, as if to once again remind me He was here, I GOT TO feel my son move on the outside! I had tried all day on the 5th to get him to move to where I could feel him from the outside, but to no avail. Here I was, laying down talking with my Savior and the baby moved several times where I could feel him both inside and out. I laughed. Out loud. To myself. Then laughed at laughing. This was God's joy. I spent most of the day just resting and getting better. Then it was off to a friends house for the superbowl. I had (so quickly) forgotten all the Lord had done for me this week and had sunken back in to my little stooper. Once there I was sincerely enjoying the company of the friends there and then I saw it. A little cardinal statue sticking his head out of a basket by the TV. WOW. What a "God wink". Joshua was a huge cardinals fan so I have always associated him with cardinals. For years after his death at Christmas and Thanksgiving a random cardinal would show up outside my house (wherever I was). Also, most of the time when I'm feeling discouraged or sad or really struggling with his death I see a cardinal (real or not). It serves as a reminder from God that HE is still here with me. I see them a lot here in Michigan, but I hadn't seen any yet this week and it was making me sad. That was God's promise.
........... never finished blog, sorry........
