Dread the Feb

February is my least favorite time of year. It is filled with reminders from the 3rd - 10th of people I've lost, marriages that have crumbled and dreams shattered. Sounds pretty depressing, huh? Yeah, it usually is.

Every year I dread it... especially the 6th and I try my hardest to think of happy memories instead of sad ones and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. God has always revealed Himself to me during this time in new ways... and I am comforted again. This year however, He has restored my Joy and has made it virtually impossible to focus on anything but HIM and HIS love for us. It has been incredible... so let me start from the beginning.

February 1st. I had a bad dream and when I woke up that morning, not only was I still replaying the scenes from the dream in my mind I was also hit with the realization that February had once again found it's way back to me. My first thought was a selfish, self pity one of "if this is the way this month is starting out, it is going to be one of the worst few weeks yet." Thankfully, the Lord has blessed me with an incredible husband who can read me in a second. Shannon just looked at me and told me he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. All without me even saying good morning. That was God's comfort. Then, Shannon began talking to the baby through my belly and out of nowhere our son reacted by moving... so much so it felt as if he were dancing inside. The image of a fish feeding frenzy is the best way I can think to describe the feeling. Our son followed his Dad's voice and reacted to it as if he was trying to break out of my stomach and get to him. It was one of the most incredible experiences. Then, Shannon, for the first time felt the baby kick/move! The look on his face is one that I will never forget. It was priceless and for the first time my husband got to feel the movement of life of his son. That was God's love.

The rest of the week had many ups and downs. I got to see three of my precious nieces faces on skype. Hear them laugh. See them smile. It never gets old to me. All of this reminded me that God continues to bless me every day in so many ways.

February 6th. Ugh. How I dread this day every year. I started it off at midnight (the fight was still on tv, so I still had people at my house) with one of the quotes I love. The I turned my mind to something positive and texted one of my closest friends because it was her 40th birthday! So, I tried to focus on that a little. I got on facebook and stalked some of my friends that I knew would be having a difficult time with this day as well. Prayed for them and around 2am, finally fell asleep. When I woke up, I was still feeling pretty bad (from a head cold I have had) and the last thing I wanted to do was get up. So, I just stayed in bed and rested my hand on my stomach as I talked with God. Then, as if to once again remind me He was here, I GOT TO feel my son move on the outside! I had tried all day on the 5th to get him to move to where I could feel him from the outside, but to no avail. Here I was, laying down talking with my Savior and the baby moved several times where I could feel him both inside and out. I laughed. Out loud. To myself. Then laughed at laughing. This was God's joy. I spent most of the day just resting and getting better. Then it was off to a friends house for the superbowl. I had (so quickly) forgotten all the Lord had done for me this week and had sunken back in to my little stooper. Once there I was sincerely enjoying the company of the friends there and then I saw it. A little cardinal statue sticking his head out of a basket by the TV. WOW. What a "God wink". Joshua was a huge cardinals fan so I have always associated him with cardinals. For years after his death at Christmas and Thanksgiving a random cardinal would show up outside my house (wherever I was). Also, most of the time when I'm feeling discouraged or sad or really struggling with his death I see a cardinal (real or not). It serves as a reminder from God that HE is still here with me. I see them a lot here in Michigan, but I hadn't seen any yet this week and it was making me sad. That was God's promise.
........... never finished blog, sorry........

Half Way

We had our 20 week appointment and I have to say that we were more than thankful for the report. Baby Marden is healthy and all of the tests came back good or negative for anything abnormal. My Mom and Grams both said, "well what did you expect?" To be honest, I expected there to be a false positive... or at least I think that is what I had prepared myself to hear. Not that I expected anything to be "wrong", but I did expect something to be "off" and that they would just need to keep an eye on, but in the end would be nothing. I know that probably sounds horrible, and I don't really know why I thought that, but I did. So, I was in complete and total shock when the doctor said that all reports were excellent and the baby was growing right on track. Wow! That is the BEST thing that I had ever heard and I started praising right then. Now, something could come up later in the pregnancy and even after he is born, and that will be fine and in God's perfect will... I know that. I think what I am trying to say is I realized two things from this report. 1) That I may be a positive person, but I tend to prepare myself for the worse a lot; and 2) That although I say and think I trust God... sometimes I don't. That was a tough lesson to learn, but a needed one.

So, as of right now we are half way through the pregnancy and everything is going well! PRAISE HIM, PRAISE HIM!!! He has already started teaching me many lessons already.

I was thinking the other day as I was getting ready for work... I would never poison my child on purpose. If someone came to the house and showed me that the water I was giving them, or the soap they used was poisoning them and killing them slowly... I would stop immediatly. I think most Mom's would. Why then do so many of us allow them to be poisoned by this world? Led away from God and His purpose and design for them? This is just something that God showed me to be on guard about with my own son.

I know this post is fragmented, but I have a bunch of random things on my mind today. Thanks for sticking with me through it and a very happy 30th birthday to my sister-in-law Katie!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT KIKI! ~X's n O's~ your Nephew

A WHAT?!!!!!

A BOY!!!!

That's right! Shannon and I found out today that our bundle of joy is indeed going to be a BOY! I haven't gotten sick of saying that! Don't get my wrong, I would be this excited regardless, but there is something about knowing I get to say, "My Girls" a little longer and people will know I'm talking about my nieces. I love them... and I think having a boy will go well with what we have now.

I have had a lot of people ask me about names. My FAVORITE subject. We have 2 names picked out Joshua Elliot and James Andrew. We will wait and see our little guy before we pick a name for him. Joshua Elliot means "Jesus is God and He saves" so for obvious reasons we like that. Plus, Joshua has always been my favorite guys name and is named after on of the most incredible people I've ever known. Elliot is Shannon, his grandfather and his brothers middle name. So, it is family. James Andrew would be called Andrew or Drew. That names means "strong, subplanter"... and James is Shannon's brothers name. Andrew is Shannon's favorite name and is the middle name of two of my best guy friends. So, I don't think we can go wrong either way. Of course, the baby could come out looking like a Eugene... we just don't know. So, stay tuned.

I've posted some photos below... hope you can tell what they are.

A Christmas of Firsts...

Well, following the idea of change... this Christmas was anything but normal. It was full of firsts. It was my first Christmas away from my side of the family (and my first ever away from my sister)... it was my first Christmas in Canada, my first Christmas having FOUR nieces and my first Christmas as a mom-to-be. Last night (Christmas Eve) we were celebrating in the traditional Marden way decorating cookies and hanging out... then Jennie and Andrew came and surprised us by showing up and BRINGING CARMEN!!!!!! Shannon and I got to hold her for the FIRST TIME!!!!!!! It is a feeling that never gets old... I love all of my nieces, and cannot explain the feeling of holding each of them for the first time. It was SUCH an amazing early Christmas present and one I will charish forever! (See photos at the end).

Today we woke up at 5am and went down stairs. Shannon recited the Christmas story, James handed out presents and we all sat around and watched as everyone opened theirs. It was fun. Then Shan and I went over and visited with Gramsie and Grampsie before coming back to the house and getting stuff to take over to Jennie and Andrews house to celebrate with them. Well, on the ride over I'm pretty sure I felt the baby move for the first time... IT WAS SO COOL! I didn't think I would feel it this early, and especially sitting up... but I've never felt anything like it before. It was the best CHRISTMAS present EVER!!!!!! I'm so blessed.

Sorry this is so all over the place, but like I said... I've been up since 5am. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Let the Changes Begin...

So the last post, September 24th, may have been a little vauge... it was meant to be. That was the day I finally mastered the home pregnancy test (finally had to just go get a digital one b/c I couldn't figure out the pink lines, haha). That is the day that I told Shannon to prepare for a lot of changes because he was going to be a DADDY! Man have the changes come faster than I realized. We had our first doctors appointment on October 4th (my sister Kim's birthday) and heard the heartbeat for the first time on November 16th... that is when we were finally able to tell everyone the good news! I'll never forget Shan's reaction... in fact I video taped it:
At my last appointment the doctor looked for the heartbeat 3 times and finally laughed and said the baby was running away from her. Yep, that sounds like the Moore side of the family. Anyway, Shan and I are in Canada now and enjoying our vacation and when we get back we get to SEE THE BABY! So excited. So many changes. Can't wait.

Change is constant...

A CALL TO PRAYER!

I copied this off my friend's blog... we need to read the story and PRAY!

I read about this family this afternoon from a prayer chain email. They are in Uganda trying to get home with their adopted daughter and are stuck because of ridiculous rules by our government. Please read their story and forward it. If you know anyone who can help, please help! But most importantly, after you read this, please drop to your knees and lift these people up in prayer. You and I cannot fix this, but God the Father absolutely can.

A link to their blog is at the end.

Here is what it says...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010
DEVASTATED!!!!!!!!!!

I got to greet Court at the airport with the news that the US Embassy called me and said that they will NOT EVER issue a visa for us. They want the judge to completely rewrite the court order, which is highly offensive. I don't see that happening. There are many, many, many American families here and many waiting to come and NONE of us will receive visas.

This is a death sentence for Sarah. We will have to find someone in Uganda willing to take a girl in her condition (unheard of) and leave her with a stranger. She has severe failure to thrive. She has finally attached to me and now I would have to leave her.

The pain is unimaginable. My boys... what do I tell my boys?

Here is a letter we sent to our congressman tonight...

We had a terrible thing happen today. As we were finalizing the last step in getting our daughter home, the unthinkable happened. We were informed by Sarah that the embassy has changed its stance on Ugandan guardianship and WILL NOT issue her a VISA. Yesterday all the were waiting on was the medical signature and today she is never coming home with us.

I arrived in Uganda an hour ago and was greeted with this news. Basically we are now legally responsible for this girl per a Ugandan court order, but we can not take her out of the country. We can not stay here much longer, I can not be gone from work and we have 3 other boys to take care of at home and visitor VISA are only good here for 2 months, but if we leave we are breaking Ugandan law.

If they made this decision moving forward I would understand, but to be this far along in the process, literally we would have been issued a VISA yesterday, but the doctor was too busy to sign a paper.

Yesterday our paperwork was OK. Today it is unacceptable.

The embassy vice-consular says that they have contacted their lawyers in Washington DC and they said we cannot have a Visa.

The embassy wants the judge to rewrite the entire court order saying that she is allowed to be adopted in the US instead of "allowed to immigrate to the US" and allowed to be a US citizen instead of "will remain a Ugandan citizen." This last part is meant that she would be allowed dual citizenship of both US and Uganda but the US Embassy wants the order to specifically say that she can be a US citizen. This is silly as Ugandan judges cannot rule that anyone be a US citizen.

Ugandan judges are extremely offended at being asked to change something they have been doing for a long time. Many children went home to the US from Uganda with the same wording and now suddenly it is a problem.

We are devastated.

We are meeting with our lawyer in the morning along with about 20 other American and Canadian families.

For those of you from our church, would you please forward this. Would you please send it to our Children's Minister and our Rector. Please ask for prayer.

I don't know how to close this.... I'm on my knees begging for mercy. Begging for my daughter's life. Begging for our family and the other families. Begging for the children who think they are finally free from a life of an orphan and have been told they are going home and will now be dumped by their new parents and left here as orphans again. This IS NOT RIGHT!!!!