And Through It All...

"If death and grief have taught me anything, it's that time is weird." - Me

So I find myself here, on the one year anniversary of my father's death, teeter-tottering between the disbelief that it has already been 365 days and feeling as if it has been an eternity since I've talked with my Dad. It is one of the strangest things to me about time... how something can seem both distant and close simultaneously.

"Hope is being able to see that there is LIGHT despite all of the darkness." - Desmond Tutu

Facebook has kindly, as it often does, reminded me of what I was doing 1, 2, even 8 years ago "on this day" this week.  As I was reading my posts from last year (seen below) I was reminded how obvious it was that the Lord was with me during that time.  For those that might be reading this that don't have a personal relationship with God, or who may think "see, prayer doesn't work, your father still died."... let me let you in on something.  The day my Dad died, his lungs were CLEARER than they had been when he was admitted. I'm not sure what his ejection fraction was, but his heart was STRONG until it's final beat... these prayers were answered with a resounding YES!

And yes, he died.  And yes, it sucked.

BUT GOD!!!!!

...held me
...comforted me
...is still holding me
...is still comforting me

The following is the song I shared during that week.  It's not the song you think it is by the title.

You can listen to it here, PLEASE DO:

It is difficult to put into words, or even try to explain, what it's like when you have felt the Lord's presence.  But when you have, regardless of what your "intellect" may try to convince you of, you will never again be able to doubt there is a God. 

There is nothing more important than parents passing on a generational legacy of faith and values to their children. - James Dobson

My Dad used to always say, "Do as I say do, don't do as I do.".  It was pretty solid advice in his case. 😉  Kidding aside, I will never forget one thing he did "do" that has stuck with me.  When we first moved back to Oklahoma from Hawaii we were driving around and he pointed out a big building off to the side of the road.  He said, "You see that church?  Your Mom and I gave X amount of dollars for that church to be built."  At 11/12 years old the amount he told me seemed like a fortune!  When I asked him why in the world they would give that much money to a church and not to a college fund he said, "Sarah, that's the best education we could ever give you."  My Dad didn't talk to me a lot about God, but that conversation is definitely a part of his legacy of faith. 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. - Hebrews 13:8

So as 9 December comes and goes again, I rest in knowing that the Lord that was with me then is with me now.  He will still be with me in a month when I'm once again teeter-tottering in disbelief at the weirdness of time that has passed since my niece and grandfather-in-law have died.  And I will continue to praise Him because He is close to the broken hearted and saves those that are crushed in spirit (Ps 34:18).  He will never leave me or forsake me (Heb 13:5). He will wipe every tear from my eyes and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain...(Rev 21:4).   

BECAUSE GOD...

...is constant
...is loving 
...is merciful
...is trustworthy
...is true to His word



My Dad

The Stuff In The Middle

The stuff in the middle

November 17, 2009 at 9:38am

 

I love hymns. One of my favorite memories is waking up to the sound of my Mom playing away on the piano. She would tell you that she is not a very good pianist, but to hear her play those mornings for nobody else but Jesus, you would think she was the worlds greatest pianist. It is still one of my favorite ways to wake up. One of the things I first noticed about Shannon was that he would sing "old" hymns... and not just the first and last verse that I knew... but the stuff in the middle too.

So, in church Sunday when we were challenged during praise to pick up a hymn book and just read through some of them this week (ALL VERSES) I was eager to oblige. One small problem, I have no idea what box it might be in... ha! What to do? Well, I just listened to my heart this morning to see what it was feeling and what do you know, I started singing one... I looked it up online and read ALL of the lyrics... wow, why do we skip over verses just to fit praise in to a nice time box? Let us praise! All verses, regardless of the time we have left for the message.

Here is today's (11-17).

Praise Him! praise Him! Jesus, our blessed Redeemer!
Sing, ye saints! His wonderful love proclaim!
Hail Him! hail Him! mightiest angels in glory;
Strength and honor give to His holy name!
Like a shepherd, Jesus will feed His people,
In His arms He carries them all day long;
O ye saints that live in the light of His presence,
Praise Him! praise Him! ever in joyful song!

Praise Him! praise Him! Jesus, our blessed Redeemer,
For our sins He suffered and bled and died;
He, our Rock, our Hope of eternal salvation,
Hail Him! hail Him! Jesus, the Crucified;
Loving Savior, meekly enduring sorrow,
Crowned with thorns that cruelly pierced His brow;
Once for us rejected, despised, and forsaken,
Prince of Glory, ever triumphant now.

Praise Him! praise Him! Jesus, our blessed Redeemer,
Heavenly portals, loud with hosannahs ring!
Jesus, Savior, reigneth for ever and ever;
Crown Him! crown Him! Prophet and Priest and King!
Death is vanquished! Tell it with joy, ye faithful,
Where is now thy victory, boasting grave?
Jesus lives! No longer thy portals are cheerless;
Jesus lives, the mighty and strong to save.


Wednesdy, November 18th -

1.Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling—
Calling for you and for me;
Patiently Jesus is waiting and watching—
Watching for you and for me!Come home! come home!
Ye who are weary, come home!
Earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,
Calling, O sinner, come home!

2.Why should we tarry when Jesus is pleading—
Pleading for you and for me?
Why should we linger and heed not His mercies—
Mercies for you and for me?

3.Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing—
Passing from you and from me;
Shadows are gathering, death-beds are coming—
Coming for you and for me!

4.Oh, for the wonderful love He has promised—
Promised for you and for me!
Though we have sinned, He has mercy and pardon—
Pardon for you and for me!

 

(This post originally appeared on FB.  I am in the process of streamlining all blogs)

Weeds

One of the great things about having my Grams so close is all of the new things she is teaching me, lately mostly about gardening. The other day, I went out to pull the weeds from the front flower bed and was a bit bummed that I didn't have any means of listening to music. I'm someone that likes to have background noise when I do tasks.

I am SO glad that I didn't. In the natural state I was in, there was a quiet that I had forgotten existed. One that I had, to my own disadvantage and demise, not sought out in awhile. There I was, doing a mundane task and not having any distractions...and I began to fellowship with my Jesus. All too often I, admittedly, rush through the day praying without ceasing and talking to God and praising Him for one thing or another (or asking about things) but if I am being honest, I haven't been a very good listener lately. Even my "quiet time" I realize has been full of me talking. In that moment I was listening and what a sweet voice I heard. How ashamed I was when I realized the fact that I had been very selfish in my fellowship. It was nice listening and more filling in that short time, than all of the time I had spent with Him in passing the last few months.

I have heard time and again that pulling weeds is a lot like sin. That we really need to pull the roots up in order for them to die. I've always agreed with that, but there was something about actually doing it that made it come alive in a new way. My Grams had told me to pull all the weeds that had grown in this one spot, it looked like a big pile of them. When I started to pull them, I realized that underneath was a bush that they were entangled with. My Grams had forgotten about it I guess because she told me it was all weeds. How true is this in some of our lives? The beautiful bush that was once there is no longer seen to the world, and forgotten to many because we have allowed our "weeds" to take over! It also made me realize that a passerby would look at the flower bed once I was finished and think it looked nice and clean, having not seen what was there before, but I, having been the one pulling the weeds would know the truth. I didn't pull all the weeds up by their roots. I knew that some would grow back and I would have to get out there again and pull them, but they would be more manageable because I had gotten rid of "most of them." How often do we do that in our lives too... clean up our sin/weeds so that we look good to people passing by, knowing full well that there is still sin lurking beneath the surface. How many times do we tell ourselves, well I got rid of most of it, I can control the rest...I can stay on top of them... I can maintain a good appearance. I have learned in my life that it is better to do it right the first time. Pull the weeds, roots and all, so that nothing remains. Yes, different weeds may grown in their place in the future... but plan to pull those up too. Gardening is a lot of work. Especially if you are going to not take shortcuts and do it the right way. God is the ultimate gardener... how awesome is it that once we allow Him in to our lives that He works diligently on us, pruning us, loving us, planting us in rich soil to grow... if we allow Him!

I know this is a tad scatterbrained, but after running it in my mind for days before having a chance to sit down and write it... it was bound to be.

Thank You Lord for helping me get out of my own way so that I could HEAR YOU!!!!!! I am sorry that I get in my own way sometimes. Thank You for the lessons You are gentle enough to teach me.

A Moment...

"What a difference a day makes", or in this case (since my last post) a year. It has been awhile since my last update and since then, I have stopped working, had a son, and moved... to name a few of the changes. I have grown a lot since the last post, in fact, I would say what a difference a moment makes. A moment can change your life... for better...for worse. One moment, fleeting, but long enough to change everything. Anyway, I don't have enough time to catch up on here all that has happened and that honestly is one reason I don't write as much, because I feel like there is too much to say. So, I'm just going to start again... one day at a time.

Dread the Feb

February is my least favorite time of year. It is filled with reminders from the 3rd - 10th of people I've lost, marriages that have crumbled and dreams shattered. Sounds pretty depressing, huh? Yeah, it usually is.

Every year I dread it... especially the 6th and I try my hardest to think of happy memories instead of sad ones and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. God has always revealed Himself to me during this time in new ways... and I am comforted again. This year however, He has restored my Joy and has made it virtually impossible to focus on anything but HIM and HIS love for us. It has been incredible... so let me start from the beginning.

February 1st. I had a bad dream and when I woke up that morning, not only was I still replaying the scenes from the dream in my mind I was also hit with the realization that February had once again found it's way back to me. My first thought was a selfish, self pity one of "if this is the way this month is starting out, it is going to be one of the worst few weeks yet." Thankfully, the Lord has blessed me with an incredible husband who can read me in a second. Shannon just looked at me and told me he loved me and that everything was going to be okay. All without me even saying good morning. That was God's comfort. Then, Shannon began talking to the baby through my belly and out of nowhere our son reacted by moving... so much so it felt as if he were dancing inside. The image of a fish feeding frenzy is the best way I can think to describe the feeling. Our son followed his Dad's voice and reacted to it as if he was trying to break out of my stomach and get to him. It was one of the most incredible experiences. Then, Shannon, for the first time felt the baby kick/move! The look on his face is one that I will never forget. It was priceless and for the first time my husband got to feel the movement of life of his son. That was God's love.

The rest of the week had many ups and downs. I got to see three of my precious nieces faces on skype. Hear them laugh. See them smile. It never gets old to me. All of this reminded me that God continues to bless me every day in so many ways.

February 6th. Ugh. How I dread this day every year. I started it off at midnight (the fight was still on tv, so I still had people at my house) with one of the quotes I love. The I turned my mind to something positive and texted one of my closest friends because it was her 40th birthday! So, I tried to focus on that a little. I got on facebook and stalked some of my friends that I knew would be having a difficult time with this day as well. Prayed for them and around 2am, finally fell asleep. When I woke up, I was still feeling pretty bad (from a head cold I have had) and the last thing I wanted to do was get up. So, I just stayed in bed and rested my hand on my stomach as I talked with God. Then, as if to once again remind me He was here, I GOT TO feel my son move on the outside! I had tried all day on the 5th to get him to move to where I could feel him from the outside, but to no avail. Here I was, laying down talking with my Savior and the baby moved several times where I could feel him both inside and out. I laughed. Out loud. To myself. Then laughed at laughing. This was God's joy. I spent most of the day just resting and getting better. Then it was off to a friends house for the superbowl. I had (so quickly) forgotten all the Lord had done for me this week and had sunken back in to my little stooper. Once there I was sincerely enjoying the company of the friends there and then I saw it. A little cardinal statue sticking his head out of a basket by the TV. WOW. What a "God wink". Joshua was a huge cardinals fan so I have always associated him with cardinals. For years after his death at Christmas and Thanksgiving a random cardinal would show up outside my house (wherever I was). Also, most of the time when I'm feeling discouraged or sad or really struggling with his death I see a cardinal (real or not). It serves as a reminder from God that HE is still here with me. I see them a lot here in Michigan, but I hadn't seen any yet this week and it was making me sad. That was God's promise.
........... never finished blog, sorry........

Half Way

We had our 20 week appointment and I have to say that we were more than thankful for the report. Baby Marden is healthy and all of the tests came back good or negative for anything abnormal. My Mom and Grams both said, "well what did you expect?" To be honest, I expected there to be a false positive... or at least I think that is what I had prepared myself to hear. Not that I expected anything to be "wrong", but I did expect something to be "off" and that they would just need to keep an eye on, but in the end would be nothing. I know that probably sounds horrible, and I don't really know why I thought that, but I did. So, I was in complete and total shock when the doctor said that all reports were excellent and the baby was growing right on track. Wow! That is the BEST thing that I had ever heard and I started praising right then. Now, something could come up later in the pregnancy and even after he is born, and that will be fine and in God's perfect will... I know that. I think what I am trying to say is I realized two things from this report. 1) That I may be a positive person, but I tend to prepare myself for the worse a lot; and 2) That although I say and think I trust God... sometimes I don't. That was a tough lesson to learn, but a needed one.

So, as of right now we are half way through the pregnancy and everything is going well! PRAISE HIM, PRAISE HIM!!! He has already started teaching me many lessons already.

I was thinking the other day as I was getting ready for work... I would never poison my child on purpose. If someone came to the house and showed me that the water I was giving them, or the soap they used was poisoning them and killing them slowly... I would stop immediatly. I think most Mom's would. Why then do so many of us allow them to be poisoned by this world? Led away from God and His purpose and design for them? This is just something that God showed me to be on guard about with my own son.

I know this post is fragmented, but I have a bunch of random things on my mind today. Thanks for sticking with me through it and a very happy 30th birthday to my sister-in-law Katie!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT KIKI! ~X's n O's~ your Nephew

A WHAT?!!!!!

A BOY!!!!

That's right! Shannon and I found out today that our bundle of joy is indeed going to be a BOY! I haven't gotten sick of saying that! Don't get my wrong, I would be this excited regardless, but there is something about knowing I get to say, "My Girls" a little longer and people will know I'm talking about my nieces. I love them... and I think having a boy will go well with what we have now.

I have had a lot of people ask me about names. My FAVORITE subject. We have 2 names picked out Joshua Elliot and James Andrew. We will wait and see our little guy before we pick a name for him. Joshua Elliot means "Jesus is God and He saves" so for obvious reasons we like that. Plus, Joshua has always been my favorite guys name and is named after on of the most incredible people I've ever known. Elliot is Shannon, his grandfather and his brothers middle name. So, it is family. James Andrew would be called Andrew or Drew. That names means "strong, subplanter"... and James is Shannon's brothers name. Andrew is Shannon's favorite name and is the middle name of two of my best guy friends. So, I don't think we can go wrong either way. Of course, the baby could come out looking like a Eugene... we just don't know. So, stay tuned.

I've posted some photos below... hope you can tell what they are.

A Christmas of Firsts...

Well, following the idea of change... this Christmas was anything but normal. It was full of firsts. It was my first Christmas away from my side of the family (and my first ever away from my sister)... it was my first Christmas in Canada, my first Christmas having FOUR nieces and my first Christmas as a mom-to-be. Last night (Christmas Eve) we were celebrating in the traditional Marden way decorating cookies and hanging out... then Jennie and Andrew came and surprised us by showing up and BRINGING CARMEN!!!!!! Shannon and I got to hold her for the FIRST TIME!!!!!!! It is a feeling that never gets old... I love all of my nieces, and cannot explain the feeling of holding each of them for the first time. It was SUCH an amazing early Christmas present and one I will charish forever! (See photos at the end).

Today we woke up at 5am and went down stairs. Shannon recited the Christmas story, James handed out presents and we all sat around and watched as everyone opened theirs. It was fun. Then Shan and I went over and visited with Gramsie and Grampsie before coming back to the house and getting stuff to take over to Jennie and Andrews house to celebrate with them. Well, on the ride over I'm pretty sure I felt the baby move for the first time... IT WAS SO COOL! I didn't think I would feel it this early, and especially sitting up... but I've never felt anything like it before. It was the best CHRISTMAS present EVER!!!!!! I'm so blessed.

Sorry this is so all over the place, but like I said... I've been up since 5am. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Let the Changes Begin...

So the last post, September 24th, may have been a little vauge... it was meant to be. That was the day I finally mastered the home pregnancy test (finally had to just go get a digital one b/c I couldn't figure out the pink lines, haha). That is the day that I told Shannon to prepare for a lot of changes because he was going to be a DADDY! Man have the changes come faster than I realized. We had our first doctors appointment on October 4th (my sister Kim's birthday) and heard the heartbeat for the first time on November 16th... that is when we were finally able to tell everyone the good news! I'll never forget Shan's reaction... in fact I video taped it:
At my last appointment the doctor looked for the heartbeat 3 times and finally laughed and said the baby was running away from her. Yep, that sounds like the Moore side of the family. Anyway, Shan and I are in Canada now and enjoying our vacation and when we get back we get to SEE THE BABY! So excited. So many changes. Can't wait.

Change is constant...

A CALL TO PRAYER!

I copied this off my friend's blog... we need to read the story and PRAY!

I read about this family this afternoon from a prayer chain email. They are in Uganda trying to get home with their adopted daughter and are stuck because of ridiculous rules by our government. Please read their story and forward it. If you know anyone who can help, please help! But most importantly, after you read this, please drop to your knees and lift these people up in prayer. You and I cannot fix this, but God the Father absolutely can.

A link to their blog is at the end.

Here is what it says...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010
DEVASTATED!!!!!!!!!!

I got to greet Court at the airport with the news that the US Embassy called me and said that they will NOT EVER issue a visa for us. They want the judge to completely rewrite the court order, which is highly offensive. I don't see that happening. There are many, many, many American families here and many waiting to come and NONE of us will receive visas.

This is a death sentence for Sarah. We will have to find someone in Uganda willing to take a girl in her condition (unheard of) and leave her with a stranger. She has severe failure to thrive. She has finally attached to me and now I would have to leave her.

The pain is unimaginable. My boys... what do I tell my boys?

Here is a letter we sent to our congressman tonight...

We had a terrible thing happen today. As we were finalizing the last step in getting our daughter home, the unthinkable happened. We were informed by Sarah that the embassy has changed its stance on Ugandan guardianship and WILL NOT issue her a VISA. Yesterday all the were waiting on was the medical signature and today she is never coming home with us.

I arrived in Uganda an hour ago and was greeted with this news. Basically we are now legally responsible for this girl per a Ugandan court order, but we can not take her out of the country. We can not stay here much longer, I can not be gone from work and we have 3 other boys to take care of at home and visitor VISA are only good here for 2 months, but if we leave we are breaking Ugandan law.

If they made this decision moving forward I would understand, but to be this far along in the process, literally we would have been issued a VISA yesterday, but the doctor was too busy to sign a paper.

Yesterday our paperwork was OK. Today it is unacceptable.

The embassy vice-consular says that they have contacted their lawyers in Washington DC and they said we cannot have a Visa.

The embassy wants the judge to rewrite the entire court order saying that she is allowed to be adopted in the US instead of "allowed to immigrate to the US" and allowed to be a US citizen instead of "will remain a Ugandan citizen." This last part is meant that she would be allowed dual citizenship of both US and Uganda but the US Embassy wants the order to specifically say that she can be a US citizen. This is silly as Ugandan judges cannot rule that anyone be a US citizen.

Ugandan judges are extremely offended at being asked to change something they have been doing for a long time. Many children went home to the US from Uganda with the same wording and now suddenly it is a problem.

We are devastated.

We are meeting with our lawyer in the morning along with about 20 other American and Canadian families.

For those of you from our church, would you please forward this. Would you please send it to our Children's Minister and our Rector. Please ask for prayer.

I don't know how to close this.... I'm on my knees begging for mercy. Begging for my daughter's life. Begging for our family and the other families. Begging for the children who think they are finally free from a life of an orphan and have been told they are going home and will now be dumped by their new parents and left here as orphans again. This IS NOT RIGHT!!!!

Like Sands Through the Hourglass

... No, this is not an episode of DOOL. It is however a night of reflection for me. I love New Years... I always have. I used to keep a scrapbook of sorts (not like what people do now) of everything that went on in a year. It would contain movie passes, awards, tickets to events, newspaper articles, etc. I'd tack as much as I could to the tack board behind my door and then on New Years Eve, I'd take it all down and put it in the book. I love how it is a time of year that makes almost everyone slow down for a second and take a look back at things... and if they want, set goals for the year to come. I love counting my blessings and taking a moment to reflect on everything. So, tonight I did...

I mentioned in the last post that I used to have a Xanga blog (2 actually). Tonight I took some time to re-read some of my old ramblings. I laughed at a few of them; cried and some too. I have changed so much since them... and the most shocking part was to see the areas that I haven't grown in. Those were kind of a slap in the face, but I'm going to choose to see it as God gently reminding me of areas that need attention. ha.

Reading through some of them I was instantly transported back to a place in time. I could see myself slumped over the keyboard in my old Dallas apartment, or the same keyboard, but in Phoenix. It was wild to experience memories I had forgotten I had. Feelings I once felt as I typed those words came back and I just soaked them up. At the other end of things, there were some posts that I don't remember posting at all... and some that had meanings far beneath the surface of the words. It was fun and crazy all at the same time. The one thing I noticed that hadn't changed is my love for quotes. They were everywhere.

Anyway, the point is... I had a good time remembering the past tonight... and an even better one determining how I was going to learn and grow from it.

"Never be afraid to ask a question, especially of yourself..."~ Brian Kates

The First of Many

Well, the time has come for me to begin this journey. I had originally started this blog as a way to document Shannon and my first year of marriage living separately. Hoping that someone out there might be able to draw encouragement from our struggles, etc. However, as is common, the Lord had other plans. Shannon and I were apart for less than a month before He closed the door in North Carolina and opened one in Michigan for me to come be with my husband. Praise the Lord for ALL He does!!!!

So, that left me with a blog and nothing really to write about... until now. Let me first say, I still don't have anything to write about, but while thinking of resolutions for 2010 I kept getting the feeling it was time to start writing again. I had a Xanga blog for many years and I LOVED being able to just get all of the rambling out of my head... mainly for my family to read and keep up with me. Now there is Facebook and Myspace and I just fell away from it all. So, why now? I'm not really sure, but I'm willing to take a step of faith to find out.

I've been following a lot of blogs lately. It started out with the Kaysers, a family from my LNBC Church in North Carolina. They set out on a journey to adopt two amazing children from the Ukraine, and I just loved (and still love) reading how open they were to what God was doing in their lives and in the lives of these children all the way around the world. Then, there is my old sorority sister and her husband that are adopting two children from Ethiopia. It has been such a joy to read about how many ways the Lord is working in and through her. I just get so excited every time I click on their blog and read a new post that just oozes of Christ and His will in their lives. I love, love, love reading about her relationship with God and watching it bloom in front of the whole world. I admit, sometimes it makes me step back and do a self-assessment of my own relationship... but that is part of the beauty of it for me! Through her blog I've started following other families that have, or are in the process of, adopting. I don't know half of the people in the blogs I read, but it has been amazing how God has used their words to touch this stranger. Plus, I've always been fascinated by adoption... ever since my Uncle Charles adopted two of my cousins. I was so excited to have them in our family and have had the desire ever since to adopt myself.

Anyway, Shannon just got home... so I'm going to go spend some time with him for now. Resolution for 2010... blog and watch what the Lord has in store.

I end with one of "our" Bible verses (it's the theme for the blog too)

"We live by FAITH, not by SIGHT!" 2 Corinthians 5:7